Womb-less

Well, here we are 3.5 weeks post "the big op". 3.5 weeks since I lost a part of me. 3.5 weeks since my world changed. But most importantly, 3.5 weeks since my journey to living again started.

The day itself came round very quickly. The months notice I had went by in a flash, and before I knew it, I was laying in the hospital. I started my op prep a couple of days before the big day, it was as unpleasant as I had expected. The bowel prep was certainly more aggressive this time, lasting right up until 10 mins before I went down for surgery and it's safe to say I felt utterly rotten. I felt so sick the morning of the op. I was sitting on my bathroom floor next to the toilet thinking oh my goodness, I can't go, I can't leave this bathroom let alone the house. Sheer panic had a hold of me and my anxiety had me sat frozen, pleading with myself to move. It was the toughest battle I've ever had with my own brain before an operation and between you and me, I truly didn't think I was going to make it to the hospital that morning.

Thankfully I did make it, and finally as I sat talking to the nurses, my panic calmed and I shifted into let's get this done mode. I had to be at the hospital for 7.30am and I was due to be the first on the list. Always my preference! However, shortly after being at the hospital we found out I had been shifted and wasn't going to go into surgery until early afternoon. Fabulous, more time to sit on the toilet!! But with support from my parents and partner (and the toilet next door!!), the morning went by and at 12.40pm my surgeon appeared at the door and within seconds I was being wheeled off leaving my loved ones behind. This was it.

The next thing I knew, I was hearing my name and I stirred slowly. Things came into focus and I caught a glimpse of the clock, it was 5pm. I vaguely remember hearing my surgeon tell me that the op had taken longer than expected as the endometriosis was worse than anticipated and things were quite stuck together! Of course, in typical Amy style I always like to throw a curveball, I'll never change!! My womb, cervix and fallopian tubes had been removed, and endometriosis excised from my bladder, kidney tubes, and various areas in my pelvic cavity. The op had been a success. And that's when recovery began. I stayed in hospital for only the one night and late on Saturday I was discharged, ready to head back to my own bed.

Recovery has been up and down. The first week I felt surprisingly good, I couldn't quite believe that it was my most major operation and yet it was the best I had felt after any procedure. I was fortunate to have the robot for my surgery and they say that recovery is much better using that which I can't disagree with. However, the second week wasn't so good. I had some skin sensitivity and tenderness next to my belly button. I went to the doctors on the Monday to get checked and it was deemed I had an infection. I was sent home with a concoction of antibiotics which I was warned weren't particularly nice. Sure enough the next day I felt worse than I had just with the pain. A raging headache, an upset tummy and feeling sick weren't welcomed. I left it until the Wednesday before I called back and asked for my medication to be changed. I was then asked back into the doctors. I spent a good hour there where another doctor thoroughly checked me over. My urine test had white blood cells in it which is a sign of infection but he wasn't convinced there was infection as the previous doctor had. I had urgent blood tests done and was sent away to wait for results. My bloods came back showing high inflammatory markers which again could suggest infection. But my symptoms still weren't all pointing towards it, and so we agreed to monitor with more bloods to be done in a couple of weeks. Which brings me to today, still monitoring, still sore, still battered but healing every day.

And now no doubt you're wondering where I am emotionally. That ones a little less clear to explain. I've sat and thought about that a few times over the last 3.5 weeks, wondering if I was going to fall apart, wondering if I was going to cry out of self pity. But honestly, I think the best way to describe my headspace is numb. I feel a bit like I've turned my emotions towards it all off. Which does concern me a bit and leaves me wondering, is it going to hit me and I crumble, or is this simply it? Perhaps this is self preservation, protecting myself from those feelings until I'm ready. Or perhaps this is 10 years of preparation knowing what was to come. It is weird thinking that I've lost a part of me. Yes it was broken and causing me pain, but it was something that carried such importance. And now it's just... gone. That is something that is hard to get my head around, but I'm sure it would be for most. I know this part of my recovery is going to take much longer than the physical part. Day by day, week by week, I will take whatever comes my way. But for now, I will sit with this numbness and hope that as time goes by, I start to feel something again.

So that's it, that's me, womb-less. But without adenomyosis. And ready for this next chapter in my life. There's lots to be excited about, and I can't wait to move forward with one less disease to tackle.

A x

(pics: me post op in recovery x2, my tummy the day after the op and my tummy plus arm 6 days later)