”We’re in desperate times”
Yesterday was the hospital appointment I've been waiting for since February this year. Its been a long and hard 7 months, with my symptoms getting worse and my emotions getting harder to control. I wasn't expecting much from the appointment knowing that my surgery is in 12 weeks time but it still managed to hit me like a train. Reality can be a bastard like that...
The statements "We are in desperate times. We have no other options" or "your case of Adenomyosis is the most prominent case I have ever seen, and if I needed to share an example of the disease with my students, yours would be the one I would use" or "I know you’re only 27, but I can now justify doing a hysterectomy" were things I wasn't quite ready to hear. I thought I was, but in reality I’m not sure anyone truly is. I’ve known for a while that my options are pretty non existent. We’ve tried the various hormone treatments, the uterine embolisation and pain medication with no success. And yet I’ve continued to lose more and more days each month to the disease. He doesn't think its the endo thats causing the majority of my pain so the excision surgery in November may not provide the relief that I am so longing for. That is a bitter pill to swallow when thats all I've been hoping for.
Things have been particularly tough over the last few weeks. The pain has been awful, I'm in my own head more than ever, and my emotions are, at times, uncontrollable. I was given the news that my friend was pregnant and I just broke down in tears. I wish I could say they were happy tears, they should have been, but instead they were tears of utter sadness for myself. Not just sadness but jealousy too. I've changed. I've lost friends along the way. People who have moved on with their lives, settling down with families or who are simply just out enjoying themselves. And yet I feel like I'm going backwards, cancelling plans and having to take things more and more easy as time goes on.
With the above in mind, I've been referred to the chronic pain management team. The team specialise in prescribing the stronger pain medication, and theres also counsellors who assist with the emotional side of things too. It’s a step in the right direction to come to terms with what the next year is going to hold for me. I know it’s going to be a difficult time and I need to learn how to deal with it rather than shutting down and appearing distant to those around me. That’s definitely not me and I don’t intend on continuing down that path. I know that for sure. One day I hope the sense of loss that I feel will disappear and I can fill the void that I feel inside. Because ultimately this is what’s going to happen, and I can’t change it.
And through all the negativity, I also need to remember the things I do have and am grateful for. The good in my life absolutely still out weighs the bad. There’s no doubting that. And I thank those of you who continue to support me. When my little heart feels like it’s breaking inside, many of you still manage to make me smile. You continue to be my rocks.
So to all reading this, please forgive me for what doesn't feel like a very positive blog but I am getting there, I just need a bit of time...