I'm coming home...

I’ve been tossing up for a while now whether to write another blog post. It’s been a couple of months since my last update and I’ve neglected my blog since. The truth of it is I’ve used the last three months in Australia to run away from the reality of my situation. I’ve been able to (for the most part) shut off my thinking about the appointments, procedures and operations that are to come in the next couple of years. And it’s been bliss. Yes I’ve had my bad days. And yes at times it’s been a struggle. But I've also been able to just be me, without the endometriosis, without the adenomyosis, and without the heartache that it all brings with it. Having a break from the frequent hospital appointments, the feelings of jealousy and resentment, and the enormity of whats to come was needed. I’ve felt a bit like the old Amy, the Amy who had a life outside of endometriosis, the Amy before everything changed.

It’s funny how when you go somewhere different you can change your mindset. It was a new start for me here in Australia. I didn’t know anyone, I was starting a new role, at a different company. No one knew me. No one knew about my disease. And no one knew about the past operations, the hundreds of hospital visits or the hysterectomy thats to come. It was like I could be a new person, or rather the old Amy again. A single, carefree 28 year old girl, who came to Australia for an experience of a lifetime. Don’t get me wrong, being open about everything has helped me be honest with my own feelings towards it. Its enabled others to have an understanding, and has increased the support that I've received from family, friends and work colleagues. Starting my blog was a massive game changer. Sharing my journey with others has allowed me to meet new friends, and also help those in a similar situation. But being able to escape it for three months was kinda like a holiday from the stress of it all! Having the chance to push it to the side for a while and focus on others things has been truly amazing.

I’ve learnt so much about myself on this trip. I’ve grown in confidence and I’ve put two fingers up to endo on many a day. I’ve achieved so much, I've seen some beautiful places, and I've challenged myself more than ever. Yes I probably pushed myself too hard at times, and I've definitely eaten and drunk too much, stuff that my body doesn't thank me for, but I just haven't cared. I’m proud of myself for doing what I have, not just at work but personally too. I’ve made new friends, people who I hope will remain in my life. And whilst they may not have known it, some days they’ve held me up when all I’ve wanted to do is crawl under my desk and curl into a ball. Its been a breath of fresh air coming here, and I will cherish all the memories I have made for a very, very long time. Its not just the memories I'm grateful for, but the reminder that there is plenty of good stuff going on too. Thats hard to see when you've had the one thing you wanted the most taken away. I needed that more than ever, but I genuinely don't think I realised just how much I needed it.

So next week I head home and normality resumes. Three days after I return to the UK and back to work, I’ve got my first hospital appointment to discuss pain management and new medications. Like BAM, hello have you missed me!? My holiday away from it ends, and I have to start thinking about what’s to come next. For a while, "I'll deal with it after Australia" was a common phrase that came out of my mouth and now its that time. There’s other things I need to face too, like pregnancies, newborn babies, and those nasty jealous feelings that still rear their ugly head. It may sound harsh but I could just forget about those things when I’ve been on the other side of the world. I could close Facebook, or Instagram, hiding the things I didn't want to see. I didn't have to take part in those conversations. I could live in my own little bubble, away from the things that hurt, and away from the things that make me question why I can't have those things too. Does that make me a bad person!? I dunno. Maybe. Perhaps it’s just my way of coping. But I can understand why some people just run away from situations now. Its easy! But I can't do that forever and its time to tackle it once again.

I’m not sure I’m completely ready to come home and face the music (its not just my health that makes me say that, I'm pretty in love with Australia too!). But I know that I've dealt with everything before. This time last year I was a few weeks out from the biggest operation I'd ever had. It was huge, it was daunting and it was scary but I made it through. And I will do so again. This trip has reminded me that it doesn't have to take over your life. I know its hard not to let it when it consumes you day and night, but its possible. I have said from the day I was diagnosed that it wouldn't control my life, but honestly it felt like it had started to. However, not for the last three months. And hopefully not for the next three, or the next three after that. I reckon this time its Amy 1 - Endometriosis/Adenomyosis 0. It doesn't happen very often but when it does, damn it feels good!

A x




Comments

  1. C31 October 2018 at 22:34

    This post makes me happy, because you've been able to see somewhere new, have different experiences and put aside the health stuff and normal life for a while. But at the same time I feel sad, because I can totally relate. I live with many health issues myself, and they definitely feel like they're always trying to become the number 1 thing in my life. There is so much I want to do, but even the seemingly small adventures are out of reach right now. It's not right that we have to live like this, with so much on our plates that tries to steal our joy. But good on you for making your Aussie adventure happen, and enjoying every minute. All the best for the next chapter of your health story, and I hope that it is not too hard on you and just stays put in the background. Hugs xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy11 November 2018 at 16:34

      I know that sadness, it had been building for a long time too. Its draining, but know there is still good to come. Always here if you want to chat... hugs xxx

      Delete

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