2018
I started this year in a bad place. I sat and read my posts from the beginning of the year, and as I read through my blog, it felt like it was someone else writing them. Statements such as 'I find myself wondering how I will cope with this for the rest of my life' or 'I don't want to face how devastated I am, or how numb I feel' or 'I'm not sure I was prepared for my heart to feel this broken' makes me wonder was that really me writing those things?
I'm not ashamed to say the first 6 months of this year was a tough time and that I was struggling. But perhaps looking back now, I realise how much I was struggling. I was still recovering from my surgery at the end of 2017, and the pain hadn't eased with it. Discussions started about a hysterectomy and I turned to fertility counselling. The realisation that I wouldn't have the one thing I wanted the most started to sink in, and the thought that I would never be rid of this horrid disease consumed me. I couldn't focus on anything else apart from the pity and sadness I felt for myself. I watched those around me have what I wanted, and I was just waiting for the next person to tell me they were pregnant. I built up barriers, and I stopped talking about my feelings because I hated how I felt. I hit my lowest point and found myself in the darkest parts of my head. I stepped away from writing my blog because I didn't want to write about how it was eating me up inside. I was in a rut. A rut that I was stuck in and that no one, or nothing could get me out of. That was until Australia...
In August I flew to Melbourne. I left my family, my friends, my home and perhaps most importantly, the heartache back in the UK. I started my new life in Australia. I had a rocky start but for the best part of 3 months, I didn't talk about Endometriosis or Adenomyosis. I didn't talk about my previous operations or the daily pain. If anybody asked how I was, I said I was fine. I dealt with the symptoms when I needed to and I listened to my body if I had to. I found a new determination to not let it control me. I threw myself into my work and committed to completing the plans I had made. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the fresh start. Maybe it was because I didn't have anyone else to rely on but myself. Or maybe it was because I wasn't willing to waste my limited time on feeling sorry for myself. But whatever it was, it was exactly what I needed. The sadness I felt became less and less. The good days took over the bad days, and I found myself again. I'm not going to pretend it was all perfect, because it wasn't. I still had the same pain but I was in a better head space to deal with it, and that made a huge difference. When I came home nothing had changed. People were the same. The house was the same. Work was the same. But in reality, for me, everything had changed because quite simply, I had changed.
Its been 2 years since I started this blog. I'm not the same person I was when I started writing back then, and I'm definitely not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. Yes I'm still pretty broken inside, and yes I absolutely still have my high pain days (like today!). But I am focused on everything but those things. I have new motivation and new goals for 2019. I have found a new place I want to call home and I'm determined to make it happen. I still have a lot of hurdles to overcome though. I've got a cystoscopy with hydrodistention, to confirm the diagnosis of Interstitial Cystitis. I've got new medication to try for when the pain levels increase which will take some adjustment to get used to. The discussions around a hysterectomy will continue. And I've still got plenty of things to get my head around. But I'm ready to tackle them one by one.
I know how easy it is to find yourself in that rut. And I know how hard it is to see light at the end of the tunnel. I have always tried to be positive about my situation because there are so many that can't be, but I started the year being anything but positive. It took me doing something big and drastic to get the time and change that I needed to adjust my mindset. This year has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions but I can honestly say I'm finishing 2018 in a much better place than I started it.
A x
I'm not ashamed to say the first 6 months of this year was a tough time and that I was struggling. But perhaps looking back now, I realise how much I was struggling. I was still recovering from my surgery at the end of 2017, and the pain hadn't eased with it. Discussions started about a hysterectomy and I turned to fertility counselling. The realisation that I wouldn't have the one thing I wanted the most started to sink in, and the thought that I would never be rid of this horrid disease consumed me. I couldn't focus on anything else apart from the pity and sadness I felt for myself. I watched those around me have what I wanted, and I was just waiting for the next person to tell me they were pregnant. I built up barriers, and I stopped talking about my feelings because I hated how I felt. I hit my lowest point and found myself in the darkest parts of my head. I stepped away from writing my blog because I didn't want to write about how it was eating me up inside. I was in a rut. A rut that I was stuck in and that no one, or nothing could get me out of. That was until Australia...
In August I flew to Melbourne. I left my family, my friends, my home and perhaps most importantly, the heartache back in the UK. I started my new life in Australia. I had a rocky start but for the best part of 3 months, I didn't talk about Endometriosis or Adenomyosis. I didn't talk about my previous operations or the daily pain. If anybody asked how I was, I said I was fine. I dealt with the symptoms when I needed to and I listened to my body if I had to. I found a new determination to not let it control me. I threw myself into my work and committed to completing the plans I had made. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the fresh start. Maybe it was because I didn't have anyone else to rely on but myself. Or maybe it was because I wasn't willing to waste my limited time on feeling sorry for myself. But whatever it was, it was exactly what I needed. The sadness I felt became less and less. The good days took over the bad days, and I found myself again. I'm not going to pretend it was all perfect, because it wasn't. I still had the same pain but I was in a better head space to deal with it, and that made a huge difference. When I came home nothing had changed. People were the same. The house was the same. Work was the same. But in reality, for me, everything had changed because quite simply, I had changed.
Its been 2 years since I started this blog. I'm not the same person I was when I started writing back then, and I'm definitely not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. Yes I'm still pretty broken inside, and yes I absolutely still have my high pain days (like today!). But I am focused on everything but those things. I have new motivation and new goals for 2019. I have found a new place I want to call home and I'm determined to make it happen. I still have a lot of hurdles to overcome though. I've got a cystoscopy with hydrodistention, to confirm the diagnosis of Interstitial Cystitis. I've got new medication to try for when the pain levels increase which will take some adjustment to get used to. The discussions around a hysterectomy will continue. And I've still got plenty of things to get my head around. But I'm ready to tackle them one by one.
I know how easy it is to find yourself in that rut. And I know how hard it is to see light at the end of the tunnel. I have always tried to be positive about my situation because there are so many that can't be, but I started the year being anything but positive. It took me doing something big and drastic to get the time and change that I needed to adjust my mindset. This year has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions but I can honestly say I'm finishing 2018 in a much better place than I started it.
A x
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