That Day
It was a day I had dreaded since I was diagnosed 6 years ago. It was a day that I had tried to prepare myself for so many times before. It was a day that was going to test not only my own emotions but my relationship with one of the most important people in my life too. But that day was never going to be easy, and my goodness, it really wasn't easy.
I sat on my sisters sofa and I knew instantly what she was going to say. How did I know, I was making a huge assumption after all, but I just knew what was coming. That instant pain and jealousy stirred in my tummy, that instant need to cry came over me and before she could even say it, I said "you're pregnant aren't you".
For those of you that know me, you know that I'm really close to my big sis. Shes two years older than me, and we've always had a very close bond. We've lived together, worked together, and done all the normal things that sisters do with each other. Its always been a case of if you mess with my sister, then you mess with me. We've been through some hard times too, like all siblings do, but we came out the other side and remain as close as we have always been. Laura has been a huge support to me through my disagnosis, even offering to be a surrogate for me, which was beyond anything I could have ever asked of her. I know shes often felt guilt for my situation, much like others in my family, but instead of feeling sorry for me shes offered her love and support to get me through the tough times. And so, we always knew that when she fell pregnant it was going to be a testing time.
Laura has always known my want for a family and equally I have always known that one day she was going to make a fantastic Mum. She has a natural instinct for children (the one that I'm missing may I add!) and anyone who has seen Laura with children will know that rings true. She will be the most wonderful parent alongside Dave and that child will be loved more than words can describe, not only by them but by all those around them too. But that doesn't change the situation, and to put it bluntly, shes getting what I want, what I've dreamt of, and what I can't have.
Theres been a lot of tears shed over the last few months since that evening on her sofa, and there are times that are harder than others. The first scan was surprisingly hard for me, and took me unawares on the day. Seeing that tiny blob on the scan picture was simply amazing but shattering too. The announcement day where the world found out on social media was another tough day. I found myelf constantly refreshing the comments, torturing myself with everyones congratulations on the news. Why I don't know, but I couldn't do anything but keep reading those words over and over again. The day Laura walked in the room and her bump had magically popped out and started to show, it was quite funny as we were all taken by surprise, but it was equally a reminder of what the future was to hold. And the discussions about nursery furniture, childcare and first baby outfits all still continue to sting, whether I'm in the conversation or just overhearing from a distance. After all its hard to put a smile on your face and join in when you want to desperately change the subject or make an excuse and leave the room in a hurry. But as the days go on, and the reality of it all sinks in, it gets easier day by day to accept and rather than wanting to run away, I've started to look forward to meeting baby and being the cool Auntie Amy that I know I can be.
As I sit here writing this just before my next hospital appointment, I know there will be many more hurdles to overcome. Our worlds are so very different now. Last week Laura had her second scan, and this week I am talking about a hysterectomy again. So I'm in no doubt that there will be more tears cried. Some happy, some sad, but some nevertheless. However, I also know that I couldn't be happier for my sister, and am in awe of how she is embracing pregnancy including all the non glamorous parts too! Endometriosis & Adenomyosis may have changed my future, but I'm glad it didn't change hers and I can't wait to see Laura bring her own family into the world. Its taken a while for the happiness to outweigh the sadness, but I'm getting there one step at a time.
A x
I sat on my sisters sofa and I knew instantly what she was going to say. How did I know, I was making a huge assumption after all, but I just knew what was coming. That instant pain and jealousy stirred in my tummy, that instant need to cry came over me and before she could even say it, I said "you're pregnant aren't you".
For those of you that know me, you know that I'm really close to my big sis. Shes two years older than me, and we've always had a very close bond. We've lived together, worked together, and done all the normal things that sisters do with each other. Its always been a case of if you mess with my sister, then you mess with me. We've been through some hard times too, like all siblings do, but we came out the other side and remain as close as we have always been. Laura has been a huge support to me through my disagnosis, even offering to be a surrogate for me, which was beyond anything I could have ever asked of her. I know shes often felt guilt for my situation, much like others in my family, but instead of feeling sorry for me shes offered her love and support to get me through the tough times. And so, we always knew that when she fell pregnant it was going to be a testing time.
Laura has always known my want for a family and equally I have always known that one day she was going to make a fantastic Mum. She has a natural instinct for children (the one that I'm missing may I add!) and anyone who has seen Laura with children will know that rings true. She will be the most wonderful parent alongside Dave and that child will be loved more than words can describe, not only by them but by all those around them too. But that doesn't change the situation, and to put it bluntly, shes getting what I want, what I've dreamt of, and what I can't have.
Theres been a lot of tears shed over the last few months since that evening on her sofa, and there are times that are harder than others. The first scan was surprisingly hard for me, and took me unawares on the day. Seeing that tiny blob on the scan picture was simply amazing but shattering too. The announcement day where the world found out on social media was another tough day. I found myelf constantly refreshing the comments, torturing myself with everyones congratulations on the news. Why I don't know, but I couldn't do anything but keep reading those words over and over again. The day Laura walked in the room and her bump had magically popped out and started to show, it was quite funny as we were all taken by surprise, but it was equally a reminder of what the future was to hold. And the discussions about nursery furniture, childcare and first baby outfits all still continue to sting, whether I'm in the conversation or just overhearing from a distance. After all its hard to put a smile on your face and join in when you want to desperately change the subject or make an excuse and leave the room in a hurry. But as the days go on, and the reality of it all sinks in, it gets easier day by day to accept and rather than wanting to run away, I've started to look forward to meeting baby and being the cool Auntie Amy that I know I can be.
As I sit here writing this just before my next hospital appointment, I know there will be many more hurdles to overcome. Our worlds are so very different now. Last week Laura had her second scan, and this week I am talking about a hysterectomy again. So I'm in no doubt that there will be more tears cried. Some happy, some sad, but some nevertheless. However, I also know that I couldn't be happier for my sister, and am in awe of how she is embracing pregnancy including all the non glamorous parts too! Endometriosis & Adenomyosis may have changed my future, but I'm glad it didn't change hers and I can't wait to see Laura bring her own family into the world. Its taken a while for the happiness to outweigh the sadness, but I'm getting there one step at a time.
A x
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