Freddie

Its been 7 months since I wrote a blog. A lot has happened since then. I've got a new job. I've moved to the other side of the world to live in Australia. And perhaps most importantly, I've become an Auntie to my gorgeous little nephew Freddie.

Back in December I wrote about the journey before he was born. The pregnancy announcement, the baby conversations and the general struggle that I had gone through, but I haven't written since. I had fallen out of love with writing, and I had fallen back into the all too familiar routine of dealing with things on my own and not sharing. That was until last week when I was reminded why I write. I was approached by someone who said that they had been reading my blog. They had related to some of my posts and appreciated the rollercoaster of emotions that were involved in my story. There had been more emotions since and so it was at that point, I decided I needed to pick up the pen (or keyboard) and write another post. But this time, about after he was born.

Freddie was born in May after a long 40 hour labour. I felt like I went through every hour of that labour with my sister even though I was thousands of miles away. But the one memory that really sticks in my mind is the text I received simply saying "Hello Auntie Amy, I'm your new nephew". It was mid morning here in Sydney, I was sitting working at my laptop in my apartment when the message came through. There was a wave of emotions. And lots of tears. Happy and sad. I sat staring at the picture of little Freddie for ages. It felt surreal. You go through 9 months of knowing this little baby is going to come into the world but nothing prepares you for the moment that they actually arrive. I was elated! I was over the moon! I wanted to shout from the rooftops and tell everyone that I was an Auntie! But in that same moment, I was utterly devastated, broken and overcome with grief for myself.

The days after are a bit of a blur. I was shattered from not sleeping well through the labour and all the stress that came with it. Obviously, and quite rightly, the following days were filled with pictures and constant chatter about Freddie. This little boy had come along and turned everyones worlds upside down but truly in a good way. However I started to spiral into a place that I hadn't been to for a while. A place of jealously, darkness and sadness. I felt like I was missing out and I felt more alone than ever being in Australia when everyone was back home. The time zone difference meant I could keep myself to myself and not have to talk about how I was feeling. It was easier that way. But one day I got a message from a good friend here saying "How you travelling?". My response "Do you want the honest answer...?". And her reply "I think I know the answer". I'm not sure what it was about that text that made me talk. Maybe it was because that same morning I had woken at 6am and cried for an hour before getting up. Or maybe it was just having someone acknowledge what I was going through. Perhaps it was a combination of both. Who knows. But in the following days, I picked myself back up and reminded myself that I still had a new title and that I would be the best Auntie I possibly could be to Freddie.

I still have good days and bad days. Days where all I want to do is go home and be part of the family life back in the UK. Days where I've regretted leaving when I knew what was at stake. But also days where I don't want to see another baby picture, or hear about the firsts that I will never get to experience in the same way. Days where I don't want to hear about sick or poop, or the new outfits and toys that my parents have bought him. But the good days, the days where I receive a picture of Freddie smiling or the videos of him hiccuping (pure cuteness!), they still outweigh the bad days. They make it worth it. My heart will always be broken that I wasn't able to bring a baby into this world on my own. But Freddie has made my world a little brighter and my heart a little fuller, and for that I am grateful.

A x