Hysterectomy is a go

Yesterday I opened my NHS branded letter and a wave of emotion hit me. Its happening, my consultant has finally agreed, I am officially on the list for a hysterectomy.

Last month I finished my course of Zoladex injections. 6 months had gone by so quickly. I wasn't particularly sad about it, after all the monthly stabbing wasn't my most favourite appointment to attend, but of course the familiar dread of periods returning and the unknown of the pain levels and how quickly it would hit me was a massive concern. And boy did it hit me fast. I was back to bleeding within a couple of days and my pain levels had started to sky rocket. Previously the injections haven't made too much of a difference but this time round felt different. The daily pain turned into more cyclical pain, reducing the constant ache which clearly made it much more manageable. This was good news, not only for the last few months but also for the stats as to whether a hysterectomy would be effective in the future. But now the injections were done, the pain was returning, and the prospect of life as it was before started to haunt me.

I don't speak much about it anymore in all honesty. I rarely write blogs. I stopped attending the support groups. I got bored of telling people I didn't feel well. And now the words "I'm fine" come with an assumption that there is some element of pain involved. But on that Sunday as I sat there hugging a hot water bottle, I really did wonder how I was going to cope moving forward. It was in that moment that I decided I needed to go back to Mr W and say I didn't want to wait anymore. I didn't want to have to go through another operation to double check that the MRI was correct and that my uterus was really as screwed as we thought. I was done waiting. I was done trying. I was done hoping. I needed to know what I was working towards and that needed to be the end goal, a hysterectomy.

It wasn't an easy email to write but I set out all my reasons why I was asking to change approach. I am stubborn but that still only goes so far when dealing with pain on a daily basis. I needed action, I needed my quality of life back and I needed it to be something that had the best chance of giving me some relief. Finally a month later, I got the reply I had been waiting for...

"I have listed you for robotic assisted laparoscopy hysterectomy, removal of fallopian tubes, conservation of ovaries and excision of endometriosis."

I read the letter several times, and with every re-read it sunk in more. I had been working towards this for so long, had to fight so hard, tried everything under the sun, scrapped the barrel ten times over but now those words that I had needed for so long were written in front of me in black and white. Was this good? Was I happy? Its what I had wanted after all. But all I felt was... numb.

The next few months (years?!) of waiting for that life changing operation is going to have many ups and downs. Times when I think I've made the wrong choice. Times when I think I can push through it all. But also times when I know this is the inevitable and that it quite simply needs to happen. Its going to be a tough ride but I need to listen to my own advice and continue to speak about these things when I need and not to bottle up all the emotion that comes with it.

My life is going to change, in so many ways, but the biggest change and the most gutting is the final realisation that my chances of having children naturally are well and truly gone. I know how good a Mum I could be, I've proven that to myself with little Freddie but now I need to go back and work through that in my own time, and in my own way.

I need to remember the positives, this is a chance to move forward, to get some relief. To not have to cancel plans because I'm having a high pain day. To be able to go to the gym every week like I want. To not live in pain every single day. But I've always said Endometriosis and Adenomyosis are the gifts that keep on giving, and I can't ignore the fact that this gift is one I wish I hadn't received.

A x