Never ending pain

I've had some lovely messages of support since my last blog on Tuesday from friends and family. I really do appreciate all your words and although I am struggling, it does help.

Unfortunately, I had to leave work at lunchtime today due to my pain. I had taken painkillers and had a hot water bottle, but whilst I was talking to a colleague at my desk, all of a sudden it felt like my heart was doing somersaults, I felt faint and I was feeling nauseous. I have no idea what it was but my heart was pounding in my chest and I was struggling not to be sick. It was horrid.

I hate what this disease is doing to me. Not only that but I'm embarrassed. I don't want people to see me when I'm struggling, especially at work. Some might say I'm too proud, or simply just too stubborn but thats just how I am. I've had the chance of having a natural family taken away from me, so I find it extremely frustrated that its now effecting the one thing I've thrown myself into. My work.

I know people tell me not to worry, and I know that I've got the support of so many, but most of the battle is with myself. I like to think I cope well with my situation but some days it definitely feels like I'm not coping. And whilst this pain isn't easing up, its making it harder and harder to deal with...

A x

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Womb-less

Image
Well, here we are 3.5 weeks post "the big op". 3.5 weeks since I lost a part of me. 3.5 weeks since my world changed. But most importantly, 3.5 weeks since my journey to living again started. The day itself came round very quickly. The months notice I had went by in a flash, and before I knew it, I was laying in the hospital. I started my op prep a couple of days before the big day, it was as unpleasant as I had expected. The bowel prep was certainly more aggressive this time, lasting right up until 10 mins before I went down for surgery and it's safe to say I felt utterly rotten. I felt so sick the morning of the op. I was sitting on my bathroom floor next to the toilet thinking oh my goodness, I can't go, I can't leave this bathroom let alone the house. Sheer panic had a hold of me and my anxiety had me sat frozen, pleading with myself to move. It was the toughest battle I've ever had with my own brain before an operation and between you and me, I truly didn...
Read more

Whats worse...

Image
Whats worse than a stressful day at work? A stressful day at work with a nasty endo flare up. Whats worse than a stressful day at work with a nasty endo flare up? A stressful day at work with a nasty endo flare up and coming home to clear up cat sick on your bedroom floor. Whats worse than a stressful day at work with a nasty endo flare up and coming home to clear up cat sick on your bedroom floor? All of the above plus standing in some cat sick you didn't see!!!! And whats even worse than all of the above? Not being able to come home and enjoy a gin and tonic to help the above because it'll make your pain even worse!! My pain levels are through the roof today. It was bad yesterday but my goodness I am struggling right now. The constant heavy, burning tummy ache is making it hard to walk. Everything takes effort and I'm running on the last fumes in my energy tank. I was awake at 4am this morning which is typical for when I'm having a flare. I also have to wee a ...
Read more

I'm coming home...

Image
I’ve been tossing up for a while now whether to write another blog post. It’s been a couple of months since my last update and I’ve neglected my blog since. The truth of it is I’ve used the last three months in Australia to run away from the reality of my situation. I’ve been able to (for the most part) shut off my thinking about the appointments, procedures and operations that are to come in the next couple of years. And it’s been bliss. Yes I’ve had my bad days. And yes at times it’s been a struggle. But I've also been able to just be me, without the endometriosis, without the adenomyosis, and without the heartache that it all brings with it. Having a break from the frequent hospital appointments, the feelings of jealousy and resentment, and the enormity of whats to come was needed. I’ve felt a bit like the old Amy, the Amy who had a life outside of endometriosis, the Amy before everything changed. It’s funny how when you go somewhere different you can change your mindset. It wa...
Read more