The Difficult Part

You get used to the sympathetic looks you get when you tell people you can't have children. Along with the looks you often hear "there are other ways to have children, you can still have the family you want". And of course you know everyone is right, there are plenty of children needing a good home. A good home that you could provide. But what you really and truly long for is to carry your own child.

I've been putting off writing this blog for over a week now. And its taken me a couple of attempts to write. But I guess its one of the things people want to know. How do you cope with knowing you can't have children? So let me try explain it in my own words.

It feels like a daily occurrence that someone new is announcing their pregnancy on Facebook or another picture of a newborn is posted on Instagram. My instant reaction is happiness for that person. Quickly followed by huge sadness. And then very quickly followed by intense jealousy. I hate how it makes me feel inside.

I never hid my want for a family. My life goals were to earn a 6 figure salary, find a husband, have two beautiful children of my own and look after my parents as they grew old. At the age of 23, that changed and how I always thought my life was going to be came tumbling down.

How do you deal with that? The thought of life not being as you had always imagined. How do you deal with the news of your friends settling down and having children? Seeing them have what you have always dreamt of. How do you deal with the thought of your sister having a baby whilst you sit longing for your own? Wanting to be part of it but with your heart breaking inside. How do you find a guy to date and then have to break the news to them that you're not able to carry a baby? Thinking who would want a relationship with someone who can't offer such an obvious thing.

The simple answer is I don't know...

Have I accepted it? Mostly. Am I okay with it? Definitely not. But can I change it? No, and thats the important part. I know I still have a very long journey ahead of me. I know I have a lot more low days to come, a lot more hurdles to jump over,  a lot more heart break to heal from. I know that I never asked for this disease. And I know that its no ones fault that I have it either.

But what I also know is I will deal with it. I know I will be happy for my Mummy and Daddy friends, I know I will find a partner who loves me for who I am, and I know I will be the best damn Auntie to my sisters children.

How do I know those things? Because I am determined. Because I am strong. Because ultimately even with this disease, I still have so much to live for.

A x


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